Step-family Talk

I’m no psychiatrist, but I’m going to pretend I am and I’m going to diagnose my stepdaughter. She is psychotic. Or, as Helen , Mama, Boucher (That’s Boo-shay, for all of you not familiar with “Waterboy”) would say, “That girl is the devil.”

Last night her mother picked her up from her father’s. My stepdaughter was in a foul mood already, because she had given her father her babysitting money to hold so she wouldn’t lose it and he spent it. But, rather than be upset with the guy that spent her money (most likely on herbal medicine) she took it out on her mother.

I had gone to bed early last night, hoping to get some much needed sleep. When I heard the door to the house open and my SD was already whining to her mother. I could hear it all the way up in my bedroom. How my son was sleeping through it I don’t know. My wife carried my son upstairs to place him in his crib and was doing her best to ignore the whining and complaining of my SD. I knew the relatively low level complaints would erupt soon. I could hear what they were about. She wanted her mother to give her the money her father owes her so she could go out later this week.

My wife reminded her that this wasn’t the first time my SD had given her father money in trust and he had spent it and she should know better. She also reminded her that she is grounded and she couldn’t spend it even if she had it. My SD started yelling then. The baby wasn’t ten feet away and sleeping. She was warned that if she didn’t stop the yelling immediately she would be in even more trouble than she already is. At this point my step daughter snapped. She kept attacking her mother, both physically and verbally, calling her mother a B—– and trying to claw at her. My wife had no choice but to pin my SD’s arms under her body and hold her to the floor, to keep from getting injured.

My SD started shrieking, screaming at the top of her lungs that she couldn’t breathe. I wanted to remind her that if she couldn’t breathe then it would be physically impossible to shriek and scream as she was doing. But I held my tongue. I didn’t want to be involved in the argument. Of course, the shrieking scared my son and he was screaming too. I rescued him from his room and cradled him in my bed. Occasionally my stepdaughter would tire from her shrieking and a calm would come over the house. My son would fall asleep in my arms and my wife would try to sneak into our room and go to bed herself. But, as anyone in a hurricane will tell you, the calm is only an interlude before the worst comes. With my stepdaughter there was more than one eye to the hurricane.

She would gain momentum and then she would come stalking into our room to begin the fight again. More shrieks, the baby wakes, mom is forced to drag her out of the bedroom away from the baby and into her own room. This cycle continued well on into the night. She just would not relent. I’m surprised the neighbor’s didn’t call the police, with all the screaming that occurred. The night weather was perfect and we had the windows open to let in the cool air, which only made it easier for the screams to escape. Heck, I was ready to call the cops myself. If I had any hope that they would actually take her away for the evening I would have.

I don’t know what to do with the girl. She calls us whatever she wants. She reminds us that we’re not home during the day, so she will go out if she wants and do what she wants, it doesn’t matter if we tell her we’re grounded or not. I’ve told her that if she wants us to help her out with new outfits for the school year she is going to have to earn them, and her number one job right now is to just behave. Nothing seems to faze her.

I have tried the nice route. I try to engage her in conversations. I try to take her places and do things for her. But, if I suggest anything outside of taking her to the mall and buying her stuff she doesn’t want anything to do with it. I’m sorry I’m not going to buy her affection. If that is the only way I can get her to be civilized then forget it. Even if I was willing to go that route, I can’t afford it.

Since, she isn’t responded to kindness, there is only one way that I can think of to get some sort of civility out of her—I have to find some sort of power over her. I am considering taking everything from her room and leaving her five changes of clothes and a bed, everything else will be gone. I would then offer her to earn one item a day. Each day she behaves she can choose to get one thing back. Each day her behavior is poor she will earn nothing. And any day she doesn’t listen, like the last couple of nights, she will lose it all again and start over.

The idea sounds harsh. It seems a bit extreme, but I don’t know any other way to keep her in line. I wouldn’t go this far, but the violent temper and the screaming are having an impact on my son. I cannot and will not allow my son to be exposed to this. I am sorry that my stepdaughter had no discipline while she was growing up. I didn’t get to meet her until she was 11 years old. I can’t help that. But, I can control what my son experiences. If we can’t find a solution for her in the house, I will find a solution for her out of the house.

Is my idea too extreme? Anyone have any other suggestions? I want my stepdaughter to be part of our life and I want her to enjoy her time with us. But, if we don’t get some control now, the next four years are going to be miserable. I think it better to be firm now, and gain some control, than to continue to battle the next four years.