Step-family Talk

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane ~ Oscar Wilde

When first I became a stepfather I figured I would have some serious issues with which to contend. My stepdaughter lived for ten years with few rules or expectations. I was informed of this by both her and her mother. I said no problem. I had plenty of rules and even more expectations. I would knock those issues out, one at a time.

I had my adversary, an eleven year old girl. My goal was to make this girl respect her mother and myself. I expected her to balk, but I figured that logic and consistency would prevail. I should have been tipped off early on in our relationship, when she asked me a question for which I was sure I had the correct answer.

She asked me, “If the house were on fire, who would you save first, me or the cat.?” I answered that I would save her first. She asked me why and I thought here’s a great opportunity to build up her sense of self-worth, and I answered, “Because I wouldn’t be able to take it if we lost you in the fire.” And she said, “But what about the cat? Don’t you love her?” And I said, “Of course we do, but we love you more.” Surely, this was a good answer. I imagined I had scored big on our bonding, until I saw that not only wasn’t she happy with my response, but she was bawling. I looked at her and the huge tear drops that were falling and I was stunned. She filled in the silence with “You don’t love the cat as much as me.” I stuttered for a moment and she ran to her bedroom and cried some more. What was that? How did my response illicit that response? Clearly she was insane. Oscar Wilde had never been so dead on as that day.

Witty as he may be, I was in the wrong. My stepdaughter should not have ever been my adversary. Nor is she insane (though I still sometimes wonder) She was trying to make sense of her position in the household. She had come to me asking her what it was, and though I think I gave her a good answer it set her off. Perhaps, the cat was the only thing she knew still viewed her the same and I somehow ruined that by saying I loved her more. Perhaps, she didn’t know how to handle being told she was loved by her the new parent in the house. I will never know why she went off like that, but if I had known better I would have recognized that there was more to her reaction and I wouldn’t have so quickly dismissed it as insanity.

I chalked it up to just one more unique challenge and continued on with the rules. We locked horns many a time and grew further apart. I was new to the relationship and had not yet earned the right to lay down the rules and set expectations on her behavior. Now, we are two years into a long battle and I have to go back and try to do the thing I should have done the first time. Earn her trust.