Loving Them Like They Are Your Own
The biggest mistake I made as a stepparent was trying to love my stepdaughter like she was my own daughter. There are people in my own family who fight me on this anytime it comes up in conversation, but what it boils down to is that my stepdaughter truly isn’t my daughter. I love her very much and consider her to be a part of our family; however, she has a mother who already loves her in a way that I never can. Not because I don’t want to, but because that place in her heart is already filled.
When we first married, at the advice of my mother-in-law, I tried to do for April, my stepdaughter, just as I thought I would do for my own child. Not that I really knew what that meant since I didn’t have any children of my own at the time. I would try to show her affection, give her advice or discipline her when she’d done something wrong and I would get a whole face-full of very vocal resentment and dislike.
Then she would call my mother-in-law and tell her how mean I was. My mother-in-law would then call me and ask me why I wasn’t loving April like she was my own. I finally told my mother-in-law to put a sock in it, and backed way the heck off. I spent more time in my room reading trashy romance novels on the weekends we had April so she and my husband could spend quality time together and I left all of the advice giving and discipline to my husband. I even cut back on the affection and let her come to me. It worked like a charm.
The true advice in all of this is don’t listen to people like my well-meaning mother-in-law who have never been part of a stepfamily. It’s something you only understand when you’ve been there yourself.
March 14th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Bravo!!!! Yes! Someone who feels like me. I have a almost 14 year old stepdaughter who lives with her mom. I have known her most of her life. My husband and I married when she was 3 but when we were dating I first met her when she was 18mos. I think we have a good relationship but when people start questioning it, it always make makes me wonder if I am in the wrong. When i introduce her I introduce her as my step daughter. for some reason this bothers some people. But I was told long ago I am not her mother and I know I’m not so I think I am showing not only my step daughter respect but her mother as well when I say that. My husband and I have 3 girls. I get the same look when I introduce them as ours and her as my step daughter. Yet, if it doesn’t bother her or my husband why should it bother them. You are right do what works best for you. I even use to feel guilty if I would take my girls to get their pictures when my step daughter wasn’t here. Then my own mother in law pointed out to me that is just how our life is. I can take them when she is here but I shouldn’t keep that from having them done when she isn’t. Oh the years I missed of getting my own girls portraits will never come back. Thank goodness I am an avid hobby photographer and scrapbook artist. Sorry to go on.
April 21st, 2007 at 4:39 am
The mistake isn’t in loving them “as if they were ours” the mistake is in thinking that either party will instantly have a close, loving bond. It didn’t happen that way with your spouse - even those who profess love at first sight still have to develop a close relationship over time. An instant loving bond only exists with a newborn baby and if you look at it closely even that relationship developed over a 10-month period! Loving them as if they were your own means putting their welfare and best interests at the top of your priority list and truly caring about them.
As far as the labels go, we don’t use the terms step and half in our family very much. Not that it’s wrong - every family has to figure out for themselves what each member is going to be called. But it’s pretty hard for my children to introduce 2 different women as their mother when we’re both standing there! That’s just confusing. So, even though I’m mom 90% of the time, sometimes I am “my stepmom”. And that’s ok too.