Step-family Talk

It was a warm summer day in July. The sky was clouded and seemed intent upon raining, but kindly held off. I had arrived with a few minutes to spare, so I adjusted my clothes so that I would look my best. I was excited and nervous, this was going to be my first day on the job and I wasn’t really sure that I was qualified for the position. I was told it was a high-stress position that would require long hours and weekend work, but the benefits would be incredible.

The time had come. I left the lobby and remember the embarrassing sensation that all eyes were on me. It was hot and I couldn’t take of my coat. I started sweating almost immediately. But, I played it cool. I ignored the sweat and focused on the moment.

I was told this was a position I couldn’t take lightly and when asked if I promised to take it seriously I said, “I do.”…and so did my wife.

During the ceremony we brought my new stepdaughter into the ceremony to light the unity candle with us. We wanted to drive home the fact that we were now a family. With the blessings of the priest I became both a husband and a father. A role for which I doubt I could ever have adequately prepared. I began making many a mistake and will continue to make many mistakes, but I can say with a certainty that including our daughter in on the wedding was not one of them.

The simple act of lighting a candle together has reminded me many a time of my commitment and has been an image that guides me back when I want to step aside from my duties as a stepfather.

Being a stepparent is a tough role to play. You are expected to be responsible for a child that often sees you as the reason mommy and daddy aren’t together. You may be the one to cook the food, clean the house, put clothes on their back, provide a home, but when it comes down to it, you aren’t their mom/dad. The kids are quick to remind you of this. Sometimes they are cruel. No matter how much you’ve committed to loving them as your own, at those times a little voice in your head says, “They aren’t my kids.” It becomes easy to just say, let the bioparent take care of them.

It’s at times like these that it is nice to have a reminder that you are part of a family now. It is no more or no less “real” than the traditional nuclear family. If you are thinking about marrying into a stepfamily, consider including the children in the ceremony. If you are already married and haven’t done something to cement the idea that you are part of a family you should do so soon. Ask a leader of your faith to witness vows that you take as a family. Or, get a material reminder, even if it is a plastic bracelet like the Lance Armstrong bands. Find what ever you need to help you on those days when you commitment to the family is challenged.

I would love to hear comments about ways others have found to help them get through the tough days.