Step-family Talk

Apparently 911 can be dial from a cell phone that is NOT connected to cell phone service. What I mean is that you can call it from an old phone that no longer has a number attached to it.

Unfortunately my family needed to learn this the hard way. My sister gave my son her old cell phone and charger. They’ve been disconnected for nearly a year but he uses the phone to take pictures and listen to music she uploaded onto it, etc. This morning he comes rushing into my room, crying and frantic.

He tells me that he and his brothers were playing “Cops” and he was the one in need of assistance so he dialed 911 on his cell phone that shouldn’t work and taadaa it did. He was connected through to emergency services. So, of course, he did what any kid in his situation would do… Hung up and panicked. I’m not sure how long he was in his room before he decided it might be worth telling me about.

So then I called the Sheriff’s Department, which was not yet open for business. So I had to call 911 and explain the situation to them as I didn’t want them thinking they had an actual emergency and trying frantically to find the source of the call and what not. The woman thanked me for calling in and explaining which was a relief because I wasn’t really sure of the procedure for something of this nature.

Anyway, be aware that ANY phone connected or not can actually dial 911. Good to know, right?

Okay, I’m going to admit it and probably for the first and last time in my life. I am a bit of a drama queen. Now I’m not talking in public or anything. I’m at my most dramatic during fights.

Today was a perfect example of such a needlessly dramatic display. Without going into all the details let’s just say that I yelled, stormed off, pouted, and eventually cried.

It was quite the production. And the thing is that I don’t intend to do it, it just sort of happens. Half way through I’m thinking to myself, “What are you doing. Stop doing what you are doing and just be sensible.” But I cannot persuade myself to listen to reason and so I continue with the dramatics and acting like a child until I’ve made such an ass of myself that there is really no where to go from there.

So I sat pouting and crying trying to come up with a reasonable thing to say when I went back to the scene of the fit throwing. Eventually we kissed and made up and the only thing I could say in my defense was, “I’m sorry.” Which sounds lame when you’ve thrown the sort of fit that I’d just thrown. It seems like much too little.

But Love forgave me my pitiful weakness and all was well. The man has un-ending patience.

I was asked by a lovely author, Karon Goodman, if I’d like to submit a story for a book she is writing on step-parenting. This is just one of many wonderful books she has written on the subject of step parenting. One of which I reviewed some months ago. She asked if I would contribute a story about my progress in step parenting, you know like a turning point type of thing. The only problem is that at least fifty percent of the time I feel like a failure not only as a step mother but as a mother in general.

Some days I just want to curl up under my sheets, lock my bedroom door, and disappear off the face of the earth. And I’m sure that some days my kids truly wish I would. The days that I hear, “I wish I lived with my dad” or the days I hear my stepson tell another of the kids that he doesn’t like me. The days when it feels like it will all come crashing down around me if something or someone doesn’t save me.

So what do I write for this book. What advice could I possible have to offer???

The last couple of days, I’ve been on a rant about what I feel society has lost with the breakdown of traditional values and conceptions of what it means to be a man. Today I want to focus on why it’s important for children to be a father and tomorrow I will look at defining a father.

I have found several good articles on the impact of a father in the household. Check out this article on the Importance of Fathers I’d like to point out a couple areas of this paper.

The first shows the accelerating trend of children living in mother-only homes. In 1950 about one out of every 20 children lived in a mother-only home. By 1998 nearly 1 out of every 4 children lived in a mother-only home. Prior to 1950 the main reason for a mother-only home was attributed to death. Now the main cause is unwed motherhood or divorce.

The second shows just how much of an impact having both parents in the household has on a child:

Adolescents who live some time of their childhood in a single-parent household, which most often are mother-only families, are twice as likely to drop out of school, twice as likely to have a child before age 20 and one and a half times as likely to be idle–out of school and out of work–in their late teens and early young adult years. (These risk factors can be moderated when single-parent families have increased income, close ties with family, friends, and community, and when children have a positive relationship with the non-resident parent as well as the resident parent.)

The second article I want to point out is from the Child Welfare Gateway and is called the Importance of a Father in the Healthy Development of Children I’d like to highlight a couple areas of importance. Children with highly involved children are more likely to develop effective social skills, are 43% more likely to achieve mainly A’s in school, are better able to cope with stress in a school setting, the rough play usually associated with fathers actually helps children manage aggressive behavior.

Later in the article, there is reference to the protection a father offers their children. Fathers act as a barrier against maltreatment. Sixty-four percent of all maltreatment cases are perpetrated by the mother. The major factor in these cases is that the mother is raising the children are their own. When a father steps into the picture and shares in the responsibilities of raising children the mother’s stress level decreases. The probability of a child being maltreated in a two-parent home is nearly half that of a child living in a single parent home.

Fathers, if you think your job isn’t important look again. Just by being part of the family you increase your children’s chances of getting a good education, learning socially responsible behavior, having a quality relationship of their own, and grow up safely without the threat of maltreatment. If improving the odds of a good life for your child isn’t enough, let me also add this. Active fathers have better overall health and reduce mom’s level of stress, which in turn helps make for a better marriage.

I want to continue along the lines of yesterday’s subject. The purpose of the topics this week is to show the importance of a stable father figure in a child’s life. This figure can be in the form of a mentor, a stepfather, or a biological father. Later this week, I will show significant numbers and studies that address the importance of the impact a father has on the life of a child. Today I want to return to the idea Lewis proposed in the Abolition of Man that society must teach its children right from wrong. Teaching right from wrong also means teaching children how to discern popular opinion from the right belief.

I had a couple of days off earlier this year and was blown away by what passes as daytime entertainment. The majority of shows were either courtroom television or sensational talk shows. Apparently watching someone get sued or watching a woman parade five men across the stage as the possible father of their child is what we value today. Shows like The Simple Life teach us that its okay to have no work ethic, no knowledge, and no responsibility. Either I missed the boat and the wisdom of thousands of years has really been teaching us that it is better to get money from by taking it from others rather than earning it, that committed relationships are a waste of time and the virtuous are those that let others pick up there slack, or we’ve had a serious breakdown in standing up for what is right.

Sick of the day time television I turned on the radio. I quickly learned that the more bling in your grill the more likely you are to find yourself some bitches or hoes. Apparently if you’re a guy this is the ultimate goal in life and if there aren’t any women any more, their either bitches or hoes. I wonder how a musical ‘artist’ would react if you asked him to which category his mother belongs.

Tired of all the media palaver I decided to take my son to the zoo. So, I loaded up the wagon, the baby bags, and my son into the van (Which pimps everywhere would recognize as disappointingly absent of any spinners, chrome or low profile 22’s—if you don’t know what I’m talking about turn on MTV for about 30 seconds.) and we headed off. I turned on some talk radio along the way. I thought here I will find something stimulating–turns out that the general consensus among the various discussions is that we are still so rooted in traditional values decreed by crusty old white men that society can’t advance. We aren’t recognizing equality of the races or the genders. Have they turned on a radio or television or looked at a magazine lately? I’m not quite a crusty old man yet, but I am getting there and I can certainly say that nothing I’ve come across lately has anything to do with those nasty old traditional values.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against any person getting equal pay for equal quality of work. I have nothing against equal voting rights. I have nothing against equal representation under the law. I have issues with anything that gives a societal advantage to a person because they happen to be a particular color or gender. What I am saying is that I have to disagree with their conclusion that society is failing because we want to persist with traditional values. A big issue I have with the break down of values is a homogenizing of the genders. It is one thing to give equality to status, but it is another to try and neuter everyone. Men ought to be men and women ought to be women. I learned this at the zoo. Everywhere I looked there were differences between the males and females of the species. Each had an important role to play for their species. The male animals in the zoo weren’t trying to be females and the females weren’t trying to be males. I could look at the peacocks with their extravagant feathers and tell my son that that was a male. I could look at the peahen and tell my son it was female. And when each plays the part particular to its gender the species continues.

In our society men and women ought to recognize the different roles they play in raising our children. There is no “more important” role. In this we are equal. But, there is definitely a male role and a female role. And I’m not talking about petty little things, like who should do the cooking, the cleaning, the housework and such. I do the cooking at our house and I would love nothing more than to be the stay –at-home parent. I am talking about the real gender differences.

Men are typically more aggressive and have a different style of play with children. When our children are infants we carry them differently, which gives the infant a different perspective on the world-this may seem trivial, but it’s not. We have deeper voices that have a profound effect when it comes to reading to our children. (More on this later) Men reason differently from women, entirely different areas of the brain are used when men and women are given a particular problem to solve. Fathers teach their daughters what to expect from relationships with men in a way that mothers cannot. Men connect with their son’s in ways women cannot. The same is true in the other way. Women teach our son’s things, husband’s can’t. Women have connections with their daughters that men can’t have. Men and women ought to have different responsibilities within a household.

When we neuter our society we only make it more convenient for men to shuffle off their responsibilities. If anyone can do it, then let someone else do it will be the mentality. It is the mentality. Many men are feeling their obligation is complete once they’ve achieved conception. And we are getting more and more baby’s momma’s and less emphasis is being placed on husband and wife. And why should there be an emphasis if we are no longer going to be men and women, but neuter and neuter?

I’ve been trying to figure out how to define a man all morning. When I first woke I was sure that this was going to be easy. I was ready to start of the paper by recapturing my midnight adventures. I woke to the sound of the dog barking and then my wife pushed me out of bed saying “I heard someone down there.” I heard nothing, but my wife was positive there were prowlers about. As a “man” it would be my duty to go downstairs and protect my family. The dog wasn’t interested in anything going on in the house; the neighbors were unpacking their car after a late night trip. Having discovered the cause of the dog’s barking and having reaffirmed my wife that no predators were lurking about downstairs I went to back to bed, my manly duties fulfilled. Or have they?

I did some quick research this morning and found two good articles on manhood. The first The 10 Qualities of Man suggests that I fulfilled one of the ten roles of a man. The other What Does it Mean to Be a Man I might have fulfilled part of the role of husband but there are eight other aspects of being a man that still need to be addressed. I provided links to the articles so I’m not going to go into length about them. I will say that I agree with the aspects or virtues proposed by both articles.

The articles have a Christian slant and at first I was inclined to make a defense for them, but then I remembered The Abolition of Man by C.S. Lewis. He made the argument for me, the virtues extolled in these articles are not exclusive to Christianity. Lewis does a wonderful job at pointing out that they are the central themes in almost any wisdom literature throughout the ages. He calls these values that man have followed throughout the ages as the Tao. It is a way of living that is consistent with Natural Law. Lewis suggests that defying these natural laws leads to a corruption of society. He warned us that society is now trying to do that very thing by taking some observations of the law to disprove other parts of it. Much like cutting of a man’s finger and using it to point at the man and say he doesn’t exist.

We are losing site of the values and virtues that make us men (See the articles) and prevent us from becoming mere animals. It is the qualities that are the trunk that separate the rational mind of man from the animal mind–what Lewis calls, “men without chests. We have used Law to destroy Natural Law. We are forbidden to teach virtues in our school and show our students right from wrong because such teachings lay to close to religion.

If we are to teach the virtues of Man to our children it must be done in our homes. This, I believe, is job number one of a father (though not limited to him—mom’s must teach it too). My biggest concern is for the growing population of society that includes my students, where men are not there to teach these virtues either because society says it is cooler to be a baby’s daddy or because economics say no government aid if Dad is in the house. (Either eliminate government aid all together or stop forcing split-ups of the house hold because a woman can’t receive aid due to having a father in the house.) Many of my students have gone generations now without a father figure present and are growing up with no opportunity to learn it because we can’t teach it in school.

Not every male need be a father, but as a society every male ought to be a man. I met a young man the other day, Ikaika Alama-Franics. He just got drafted for the Detroit Lions, and is using his new status to demonstrate the vary virtues talked about in the articles. He is taking time away from his hectic training schedule (and it is hectic!) to teach students like mine about perseverance, commitment, and dedication to a positive way of life. This is what a man in today’s society ought to be doing. Take responsibility for a youth. We must not forget the “it takes a village” mentality from long ago. We need to stop fearing our children and we need to stop being afraid to let them know that there is a right and a wrong.

As Lewis says, in The Abolition of Man:

If they embark on this course the difference between the old and the new education will be an important one. Where the old initiated, the new merely ‘conditions’. The old dealt with its pupils as grown birds deal with young birds when they teach them to fly; the new deals with them more as the poultry-keeper deals with young birds - making them thus and thus for purposes of which the birds know nothing. In a word, the old was a kind of propagation - men transmitting manhood to men; the new is merely propaganda.

She sits in her pajamas on the floor of her room, knees tucked up to her chin, arms circled around them and in her hands is the remote for her video game. Downstairs her mother sits in a similar fashion. One leg rests on the floor and the other is tucked up to her chin. Her hand is clenched in a fist as it props up her head, eyes staring out the window. Both are silent. The whole house is silent, for the first time that night. Even the baby is asleep.

I’ve been making my rounds of the house. I know there is some part I’m expected to play here before sleep will come to me. There had been a war in this house earlier this evening and it had been a nasty one. I did my best to make sure everyone saw the red cross I bore, but it didn’t lesson the dangers of shrapnel. My baby boy had been hit by one, at a year old he had been frightened by the screams. I dashed across the neutral zone and swept him from harms way. We waited outside hoping this was just a skirmish and it would all be over soon.

When it became evident that tonight was going to be a full on war, I stepped in, perhaps pushing my status of neutrality, but I had to do something. I put the baby in the car and grabbed mom and took her away. I took her to dinner and gave the two warring sides time to calm down. We ate and we talked and laughed as all the waitresses fawned over the baby.

When we returned, the house was dark, and clean. Our daughter had cleaned up the scattered baby toys and carnage from the war. The baby was exhausted and fell right to sleep. Mom took her position in the chair and I walked up stairs to check on our daughter. I find her on the floor playing her video game.

I sit next to her. I don’t know what to say. She went way out of line tonight, but it’s not my position to lecture. So, I sit and watch her play her game. When the action of the game settles some I thank her for picking up the toys and let her know the house looks nice. I then ask her what happened, hoping she will reflect on some of the choices she made. Instead I get an, “I don’t know.” I say nothing, letting silence fill in the gaps. I wait, giving her an opportunity to speak if she wants and take the time to collect my own thoughts.

My day was full of bad news and topped off by a war at home. My job is on the line, in a month’s time the school at which I work may be gone. People that I’ve worked closely with will soon be gone, and I’ve been asked to be the impetus for that change. The students that I’ve watched struggle to recover from dropping out and some terrible burdens at home may no longer have their last refuge for education. The burden of keeping this school running has been thrust into my hands. The welfare of the staff and students falls upon me, and I don’t know if I’m up to the task. I was taught to educate, not operate an entire school, run a marketing campaign, and become a public relations specialist. I sweep aside these thoughts and tune back in to my daughter as she is talking now.

She tells me her concerns. She feels like her mom treats her like “a piece of crap”. “It’s not fair.” I think back to my day and want to tell her that not being able to use the computer whenever she wants and then getting grounded from the computer because she abused the privilege hardly quantifies as “not fair.” But, I remind myself that she is expressing her feelings and no matter how absurd I think they might be, they are her feelings and my role right now is to just acknowledge them. So, I give her a squeeze on the shoulder and tell her I understand how it feels when you think something isn’t fair. She can tell I’m sincere, and she says no more. Then I ruffle her hair and tell her everything will be all right. I’m not sure if I said it for her or myself. I tell her goodnight and head to my own room and keep my worries to myself. This family has dealt with enough for one night.

How did you first meet your stepchild/stepchildren? Remember the old adage “you never get a second chance to make a first impression?” As far as new impressions go, this is probably going to rank in the top 5 most important first impressions you will ever make. The impression of your first meeting with a future stepchild has far reaching implications. These impressions can either set the relationship on the right path, send it in the wrong direction, or derail it all together. Let’s look at how to avoid the pitfalls that lead to a poor start:

The Formal Introduction
Too many times the biological parent feels the need to dress up their children and set up the meeting in a formal environment. The message to the kids is, “It’s not time to show the real you. We’ve got to present you as somehow better than you really are.” Before future stepparent and child are even introduced the child is already uncomfortable. Once the uncomfortable child arrives at the formal environment it is expected to behave in a more sophisticated manner. Imagine being the child, you are already uncomfortable and now you are told to be on your best behavior for some stranger. You are then expected to like this person who happens to be the very reason why you are uncomfortable in the first place.

Now, look through the eyes of the future stepparent as you meet the child and sees right off the bat that this child isn’t happy about something, most likely you. Worst of all, here you are in this formal environment and this kid is acting very childish. You love your future spouse and you thought you were willing to take on the responsibility of sharing their kid, but here is this kid drawing all sorts of attention, because it can’t sit still in this nice place, everyone is looking, the kid seems to think this is all your fault, and your someone trying to let the whole place know that this isn’t your kid.

The child is uncomfortable and blames the future step and the future step is embarrassed by the child and their first thoughts about the child are strategies for dissociating themselves from the child.

Too Soon for the Child
Sometimes the kids are expected to just roll with the punches and they come way too quickly. Sometimes the parents move far quicker than for what the child has been prepared. Even if the parent has moved on from the divorce or loss, it doesn’t mean the child has recovered. It is estimated that it takes two to four years for a child to recover from a separation of their parents. If a child is still coping with separation they can’t help but see the new stepparent as a rival, either of the biological parent they are replacing or a rival for the time with their biological parent.

Too Soon for Future Stepparent
Committing to a relationship with someone that has children from a previous relationship is difficult. We are all programmed to some extent to love our own children. It is not the same for other people’s children. Just because we love someone, doesn’t mean that we will automatically love their children. This is a hard fact for many to accept. But, it is real and when children are introduced it may be difficult to overcome, especially if the future step hasn’t had time to fully vest themselves into their future spouse.

These are not hard and fast rules, just guidelines. Remember to give the relationship time to develop and make sure that the child has had time to come to terms with the separation before thrusting them into a new union. And keep it relaxed and simple when first introducing the child to the future stepparent. When people are comfortable they mingle better.

I was fortunate to have stumbled into my introduction with my stepdaughter in a relaxed setting. It wasn’t planned and I most likely would have prepared a formal meeting if it were. But, as luck would have it, while my wife and I were dating she ran out of gas in her vehicle and I came to the rescue. Her parents were having a barbecue so she invited me as way of thanks. Her daughter and most of her family were there and I was introduced to the whole lot at once.

The other day I had a discussion with my daughter about education. She was upset that her mother had grounded her from the computer for a couple of days and in her reactionary manner she said she wouldn’t go to school any more. So, I asked her what she thought would happen to her if she dropped out of school. She rolled her eyes and said, “I know, I won’t be able to get a good job.” I then reminded her that she was itching to get out and live on her own and how does she think not being able to get a job would affect her. She said she understands she probably wouldn’t be able to move out. So, I asked her if she really wanted to be living in our basement and having to follow our rules when she was thirty. She said, “You and Mom probably won’t even be living together then.”

Not the answer I expected. I reminded her that her mother and I are in a good relationship, we are happy and we love each other very much. The subject was pretty much dropped. But, the idea that she thought her mom and I would be split up in ten years had captured my curiosity and I had to return to the subject yesterday. There were several questions and implications that I drew from her statement and I needed clarity.

1. Is the concept of divorce so prevalent among her generation that it is just considered a given that it is only a matter of time before a family is split up?
2. Is she hoping that her mom and I split up?
3. Is she afraid that her mom and I split up?

I needed to know which is was, because if it were the first implication I could talk to her more about what it takes to develop a good relationship with a spouse and help convince her that not all marriages need to end in divorce. If it were the second implication I would then have a better understanding of just how far I still have to go in building our relationship. If it was the third, then I would know that a level of trust has been built, but she is afraid to move further because she believes it will be a waste of time and she will once again suffer from a sense of abandonment.

So, I asked her. She told me that it was the third. She believed that about 3 out of 5 marriages end in divorce. Most of her friends come from split families and she has a couple of friends that have parents going through a divorce now.

If she is a good representative of her generation then I am saddened to think that they are growing up with such a cynical view on marriage. Like many of today’s prevalent concepts this is one perpetuated by the media and blown out of proportion. If you asked a random person on the street if they believed that divorce was at an all time high and continuing to rise they would probably respond with a yes.

This type of mindset tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When the majority comes to accept something like divorce is common place then marriage looses its sanctity. I assume that most people reading this article have a first hand experience with divorce. Is that something you want your children experiencing? We do not have to perpetuate this mindset; we can help our children understand that marriage can be an enduring relationship. We can also start by stopping a media myth. Believe it or not, divorce is no longer on the rise.

Here are the latest trends I found from divorceform.org:

Per capita divorce rates 1990-2002:
1991, 0.47%
1992, 0.48%
1993, 0.46%
1994, 0.46%
1995, 0.46%
1995, 0.43%
1997, 0.43%,
1998, 0.42%,
1999, 0.41%,
2000, 0.41%,
2001, 0.40%,
2002, 0.38%
(Mostly from NCHS, some from Census Bureau’s Statistical Abstract of the U.S., which often differs from NCHS by 0.01%)

The divorce rates hit their highest during 1992 and have been steadily declining since. I am attaching another article that talks about the misconception. One thing I would like to point out is that statistical difference that is beginning to occur between the highly educated and the undereducated. If you want to help increase the chances of your children having a lasting marriage you might want to consider encouraging their education as well.

Sometimes stepchildren have a real knack for emotionally cutting you to the quick, finding that last nerve, and in general making you feel worthless. At these times you ask yourself why you got into this situation. You ask yourself why you bother trying to love these children. Cartooned images of Homer Simpson choking Bart dance in your head and you say to yourself, “Homer knows.”

It is at these times that we have to be most prepared to forgive and forget. I find it easiest to forgive if I can empathize with the person I am trying to forgive. It’s not always easy when you’ve had a long day and when you look down at the latest source of your frustration all you see is a monster. I suggest you take a step back (perhaps that is why we are called “Step” parents) and pause just a little longer to think about what is happening inside the head of the monster standing before you.

I have one advantage that helps me in the empathy arena. I too was stepchild/monster. I guess, I am still technically a stepchild. I remember some of my concerns growing up and I can understand it when these issues come into play with my own daughter. I was fairly young when my father remarried and I got along with my stepmother from the beginning so I don’t have a whole lot to draw on, but there is one concern I remember having as a child. I suppose you would call it a matter of loyalty.

I can’t recall ever hating my stepmother. She is a very nice lady and I think anybody would have a hard time not liking her. The hardest part of my relationship with her was my fear that I liked her too much. That somehow accepting her was a betrayal to my biological mother. I felt that if I gave my stepmother a hug or said “I love you” or called her “mom” I was somehow saying that I no longer loved my mother. As an adult, I’ve learned that loving one person does not hinder your ability to love another or somehow diminish that love for another, but as a child I thought it was a case of either/or. So, I held off affection towards my stepmother. If it had come down to it, had my stepmother pushed for my affection I would have acted out to prevent it from happening.

I know there were times when I was a kid when I felt bad about not showing more affection or appreciation towards my stepmother. She is really likeable and I did like her, but I was afraid to show it. I didn’t want my mom knowing. Whenever I imagined my mom finding out, I became quite sad with the thought of how hurt my mother would be, then I would become angry. If I ever said anything mean or hurtful to my stepmother, this would have been the time I said it. Ironic, but at the times I found myself liking her most, were the times when I was closest to doing and saying mean things.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of an angered outburst by your stepchild and you can’t quite fathom how anything you have done as of late justifies the anger, perhaps it is because you have been doing all the right things and your child is beginning to grow more found of you than they feel they should. Take it as a compliment and do your best to forgive and forget.

Cue some cutesy Dawson Creek music and imagine a distant camera shot looking down upon busy city full of streets packed with cars, bumper to bumper. The camera begins to zoom in, trees become a little more prevalent, mingled between them are the suburb rooftops. Closer, the trees thin out and one particular house comes into view. It is a two-story home nestled between maple, pear, oak, and birch trees. The camera swoops through a window and suddenly the cutesy Dawson Creek music is drowned out by a screaming match between mother and daughter. Mom is yelling at daughter to go upstairs to her room and daughter is screaming at her to give her an answer as to why she can’t go on the computer. Apparently, “Because you have been on it all evening,” “Because, other’s need to use it,” “Because, you have homework you need to finish,” and “Because, I said so” aren’t reasons as to “why” she can’t use the computer anymore.

This argument has been going on for a half-hour now. Mom is really frustrated, she just wants her daughter to go upstairs and chill for a while. Daughter, thinks mom is the worst parent in the world. Each is highly agitated and at their wits end. So, where is Dad? The camera squeezes between the argument and the screaming comes to a crescendo, then fades as the camera exists out the patio door and into the backyard. Ahh, the cutesy music has returned. In the backyard, a baby boy is playing in the grass-chasing the dog with a plastic stroll-behind scooter. A quick pan to the side and there is Dad, a glass of red wine is setting to his side, he rests on a wicker bench and writes in a notebook, seemingly oblivious to the war going on inside the house.

He’s not oblivious. He is fighting every urge in his body to go inside and remedy the situation. If this was a battle between his wife and his biological daughter things would be different. But, this is a battle between his wife and his stepdaughter. It is not his place to step in and do the parenting. So, he waits and he does his best to take in the serenity of the outdoors and enjoys watching his son play.

The figures in the camera pans out a little ways so that Dad, the dog and the baby boy can all be seen, and then the figures zoom into high speed. Dad is relatively still, blurred images of his hand moving across the page and reaching for his wine show that he is somewhat active. The baby boy is seen first on one side of the yard and then the other, he falls, crawls, get’s back up, circle’s the dog, falls again, grabs the dog’s tail, the dog circles until the baby boy let’s go and this hyper-speed image continues until the sliding door opens. Time slows to a normal speed and Mom comes over to the bench and sits down next to Dad. Dad puts his arm around her and squeezes her in a one-armed hug. The battle is over; the daughter has finally gone up to her room.

Now, is the time for the special form of parenting that Dad must become responsible. Dad, talks with Mom and lets her know what he noticed. He reminds her that although it isn’t easy to remain calm when the daughter screams and constantly questions everything that it is important to remain in calm and in control. When the daughter gets her riled up, she is getting what she wants-attention. He suggests new ways to handle the situation, but mainly asks as a sounding board to let Mom vent her frustration. When Mom has calmed, she goes inside and something special happens.

The daughter comes outside and when Dad asks her what happened she responds without screaming. She tells him how unfair she was treated, she tells him how much she hates her mom and she tells him how she wants her mom to move out. This is a first; normally it is the daughter that wants to move out. Now, the daughter wants the mom to move out. Dad, really wants to debunk the logic of everything the daughter has said and explain how she would have been much better off if she had just accepted what Mom had told her. He thinks, how can she not see that she won’t win in these arguments and she will only get in more trouble. But, he refrains from explaining. He refrains from advice. Instead he takes the time to acknowledge her frustration. There are more questions he could have asked to help, but he forgets these. He is just excited that the daughter has recognized that he wasn’t part of the argument and is willing to talk to him even though she is upset with Mom. It’s a big step forward in creating trust in the stepdad-stepdaughter relationship.

The sun is setting now. The cutesy music has looped and repeated itself far too many times, let us fade out the music and let the camera pan back out and give us a wide angle picture of the city and the last rays of sunlight. It is night time in the city, time to bring the kids indoors and put them to bed. The camera turns off and the credits roll…

It was a warm summer day in July. The sky was clouded and seemed intent upon raining, but kindly held off. I had arrived with a few minutes to spare, so I adjusted my clothes so that I would look my best. I was excited and nervous, this was going to be my first day on the job and I wasn’t really sure that I was qualified for the position. I was told it was a high-stress position that would require long hours and weekend work, but the benefits would be incredible.

The time had come. I left the lobby and remember the embarrassing sensation that all eyes were on me. It was hot and I couldn’t take of my coat. I started sweating almost immediately. But, I played it cool. I ignored the sweat and focused on the moment.

I was told this was a position I couldn’t take lightly and when asked if I promised to take it seriously I said, “I do.”…and so did my wife.

During the ceremony we brought my new stepdaughter into the ceremony to light the unity candle with us. We wanted to drive home the fact that we were now a family. With the blessings of the priest I became both a husband and a father. A role for which I doubt I could ever have adequately prepared. I began making many a mistake and will continue to make many mistakes, but I can say with a certainty that including our daughter in on the wedding was not one of them.

The simple act of lighting a candle together has reminded me many a time of my commitment and has been an image that guides me back when I want to step aside from my duties as a stepfather.

Being a stepparent is a tough role to play. You are expected to be responsible for a child that often sees you as the reason mommy and daddy aren’t together. You may be the one to cook the food, clean the house, put clothes on their back, provide a home, but when it comes down to it, you aren’t their mom/dad. The kids are quick to remind you of this. Sometimes they are cruel. No matter how much you’ve committed to loving them as your own, at those times a little voice in your head says, “They aren’t my kids.” It becomes easy to just say, let the bioparent take care of them.

It’s at times like these that it is nice to have a reminder that you are part of a family now. It is no more or no less “real” than the traditional nuclear family. If you are thinking about marrying into a stepfamily, consider including the children in the ceremony. If you are already married and haven’t done something to cement the idea that you are part of a family you should do so soon. Ask a leader of your faith to witness vows that you take as a family. Or, get a material reminder, even if it is a plastic bracelet like the Lance Armstrong bands. Find what ever you need to help you on those days when you commitment to the family is challenged.

I would love to hear comments about ways others have found to help them get through the tough days.

Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Cinderella and she lived with her two step-sisters and her evil stepmother… wait a minute, hold on, we’ve all heard this story. Poor helpless Cinderella, she had to do all the work around the house, got no respect from anyone, went to bed knowing that the next day would only bring more work without appreciation. Sound familiar?

I’m betting that if you are reading this, you are a stepparent (a.k.a, Not my Mom, Not my Dad, not my real parent, my dad’s new wife, my mom’s new husband, that jerk that’s trying to take my mom/dad’s place). I’m also betting that you aren’t here because everything is running smoothly in your household. Matter of fact, I bet if I re-tell Cinderella’s real story most of you will identify. Shall we try?

Once upon a time there lived a young man named Jonathan and he lived with his wife, his son and his evil stepdaughter, Cinderella. Everyday he woke up early to make sure he could get in a good workout before heading off to work. After a long and valiant commute to work and a stress filled day on the job he would once again do battle with the evil forces of the road in the hopes that when he returned to his home there would be a well earned peace and a good meal. Alas, his evil stepdaughter had been busy while he was gone and had destroyed the house, said mean things to her mom, and made plan’s with her friends to go shopping for designer clothes she absolutely needed for the upcoming ball. Jonathan walks through the door, worn and weary to the sounds of battle, Mom and Cinderella are at it again.

Cinderella sees Jonathan and comes to great him, not with a hug, but with an open palm expecting money for her shopping adventure. Jonathan sighs and asks her to do him a favor and unload the dishwasher. Cinderella says she is too busy, just give her the money and then she needs a ride to the mall. Jonathan tells her that he is not going to just give her money, she needs to help around the house. “No,” screams Cinderella, “You’re not my dad.”…

Is this story starting to sound familiar? Here’s the truth of the fairy tale most of the world knows. One of the brothers Grimm—I think it was George—had a thing for Cinderella and promised her he would make the world love her if she would go on one date with him. Cinderella agreed and eight hundred years later, the world is singing Bippityboppityboo and stepparents everywhere have a bad rep.

Stepparents take a deep breath. My mission is to set the Grimm fairy tale straight. In the upcoming weeks I will try to show the world the overly amazing and under appreciated role that stepparents really

have. I will hopefully demystify the stepfamily and show that there are no “evil” characters, just many misunderstandings. And together maybe will learn a thing or two about the steplife.