Are You 4 Real?
Imagine for a second that you are an employer and a resume comes across your desk. From a distance it looks elegant, neatly spaced, someone obviously took a lot of time and put a great effort into crafting the thing. You wonder, “Hmm… who is the person?” Easy enough to answer just look at the top of the resume there’s the name, 4 Real Wheaton. 4 Real? Does that say, “4 Real?” It certainly does. Here’s the question. How much farther are you going to read into this resume?
I know I said I was going to define a father today. But, I just came across this story about parents in New Zealand that are trying to name their kid, 4 Real, and I had to say something. As a teacher and a stepfather I am accustomed to taking the welfare of other people’ children into my life, and it really bothers me that people think naming their child something crazy is cute. People take names seriously. In the above scenario, the employer is most likely going to think this person is a joke and will not read further into the resume than the name. Poor , 4 Real.
I understand the desire to give your child a unique name. A unique name helps a child stand out. But, before you place that name on a certificate run a couple of scenarios through your imagination.
The first scenario is the one I mentioned at the start of this article. Be honest and think about how a potential employer is going to view your child’s name. Whether you agree with it or not, there is a bias against children with unique names. Here are some real names of children that are going to have a hard time finding employment: Apple, Audio Science, Trustin Jesus, Tequila Sunrise, ESPN, Cannabis, Dantz Hall, Touch Down, Vader, Waco Joe, Diamond Cherie and Velvet Couch. Velvet Couch? There’s a story behind that name and I don’t want to know what it is.
The second scenario takes place on the playground. Imagine the first day of school, your kid is about to meet the school bully. The bully hasn’t yet decided how to treat your child. Let’s imagine a little dialogue shall we?
“Hey,” says the bully, “Are you playing with a doll?”
“No.” says your child. “It’s an action figure. This is Captain Evil. He says 500 different ultra evil phrases. He has kung-fu action. He comes with a secret space station and has an evil shark-pit with real working lasers mounted to their heads.”
Woah, cool!” says the bully.
“You want to play?”
“Yeah.” says the bully. :”I want play with the sharks.”
“Cool!” says your child.
“Cool!” says the bully.
Your child seems to be making a good impression. The play gets pretty intense, the bully makes a bunch of laser sounding noises. Your child makes Captain Evil karate chop the sharks. All 500 ultra evil phrases are squeezed out of Captain Evil. Things are really going great. Then comes another kid to see what all the action is. The new kid and the bully are friends from the block.
“Hi,” says the new kid, “Can I play?”
“Sure” says your kid.
“Cool!” says the new kid.
“Cool!” says your kid.
“Cool!” says the bully.
Fun is had by all kids. The new kid and the bully are thinking, its time to bring your child into the fold.
“I’m, Joe.” says the new kid.
“I’m Johnny,” says the bully. “You want to be friends?”
“Yeah!” says your kid. “I’m 4 Real.”
“So am I.” says Johnny.
“No your not,” says your kid. “I’m 4 Real.”
“So am I” says Johnny. “What’s your name?”
“4 Real.”
“No.” says Johnny “Your fake name.” (Johnny just learned sarcasm the semester before.)
“That is my name. I’m 4 Real.”
“Your stupid.” says Joe.
“No,” says your kid with a hint of desperation. “That’s my name, 4 Real.”
“Your name’s stupid?” says Johnny.
“No its not stupid, it’s 4 Real.”
“Ha, Ha, Your name is stupid for real.” Johnny recognizing his moment and secure because he has Joe for a witness climbs on top of the playground equipment and shouts to the whole school. “Hey everybody,” he points to your kid, “his name is stupid.”
The playground laughs and poor, 4 Real.
“No!” Cries 4 Real. “I’m not stupid. I’m 4 Real.”
“Ha, Ha!” shouts the crowd in amazing unity. “He’s stupid, for real.”
Being a bully, Johnny then takes all of 4 Real’s toys and throws him on the ground. 4 Real is yet another playground tragedy all because of his name.
I believe that New Zealand has it right, that they have laws in place that restrict what children can be named. Is it restricting the rights of the citizens. Perhaps, but I don’t think giving a child a name that is going to cause it future difficuties should be a right. I would go so far as to say, that it could fall under maltreatment, which is in the jurisdiction of the governement to protect the children.
What do you think, 4 Real?
June 22nd, 2007 at 9:18 am
So I guess you’re looking down on our decision to name our child Laguna Beach Comer, huh?
(I kid.)
June 22nd, 2007 at 9:55 am
I know you kid. I remember your article.
The truth is, I read “Laguna Beach Comer” and my hand went to the mouse and clicked on a little sound bite I got from Pete’s recent article on bad “dad” jokes.
http://www.freakedoutfathers.com/2007/06/22/a-few-dad-jokes-that-your-kids-may-or-may-not-like/
I saved the two sound samples and have them ready and cued for any stray comments today, much to the general annoyance of my students.
June 23rd, 2007 at 7:05 pm
I’m imagining that Velvet Couch was conceived on a velvet couch. Teh reasoning’s probably that idiotic.
I can’t believe that whole “4 Real” story. The trouble is that people like that - if you asked them “How do you think an employer is going to react to that name?” - would respond with some form of idiocy like “Well if they have a problem with it, they don’t deserve to be a manager”, etc. They are out of sync with every culuter on earth except their own subculture of doing stupid tings to prove to themselves that the REST of the world are the stupid ones.
Having said all that, we called our son Xander. His name is actually Alexander (which we picked for the sound and the meaning) but we liked the shortened version. It does cause a few glitches here and there but most people under 55 have warmed to it. But we’ve told him already that he can be known as Alexander or Alex if he wants, it’s his name, his life. He has chosen Xander all along.
But good for the Kiwis for placing limits on people. People who think limits are evil are usually the ones who want to use their freedom to inflict stupidity (or worse) on people and often upon children.
June 24th, 2007 at 7:29 am
They should have saved it for a number plate, not a kid! I have noticed, however, that people seem happier giving girls sillier names than boys (generally). I think it’s a kind of sexism, that girls can be cute their whole life and not worry about being taken seriously in the world!
June 24th, 2007 at 7:31 am
That was my assumption behnd Velvet Couch’s story. I don’t know which would be worse, having that as the real story, or having a more “g” rated story behind the name, but everyone always coming to the “R” rated conclusion.
I’m guessing that these parents didn’t have a lot of imagination and gave the kid the name of the position they used as a middle name.
Too bad, the kid wasn’t born in New Zealand, he/she might have been spared a horrible fate.
June 24th, 2007 at 7:43 am
Leisa, I hadn’t noticed the double standard, but looking back on the names of my students, I can see where your coming from.
June 26th, 2007 at 4:19 am
Sorry about the R-rated assumption about Velvet Couch’s name. I’m usually not that “bawdy” (honestly!) - but then if I’m not, and I came to that conclusion, that kind of makes your point above: “having a more “g” rated story behind the name, but everyone always coming to the “R” rated conclusion.”
June 27th, 2007 at 1:33 am
[...] posts a compelling rant against parents who give their kids really really bad names. Not funny. Makes you mad. You [...]
June 27th, 2007 at 8:52 am
Did you read about the parents who gave their kid like 25 names? That’s too much work. I know when I need to get Jack’s attention, I use his full name.
“Autumn Sullivan Corbett Fitzsimmons Jeffries Hart Burns Johnson Willard Dempsey Tunney Schmeling Sharkey Carnera Baer Braddock Louis Charles Walcott Marciano Patterson Johansson Liston Clay Frazier Foreman Brown, (pant) your dinner’s getting cold…wait that’s my fault for giving you 25 NAMES!”
June 27th, 2007 at 10:38 am
LOL. The upside of 25 names, is that the kid could chooose to go by a different name every four years and not need worry about running out or getting bored. Also, if this kid here’s his/her (?) full name they have to know there in some serious trouble.
Downside, imagine filling out a mortage app where you have to sign your in fifty different spots. A whole forest will die, just to cover the paper needed for all those names.
June 27th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
I can just imagine the small amount of brain cells that went into deciding “let’s call our kid 4Real! How cool is that!”.
For about 10 seconds, it might (and that’s a big might) be…
I do remember recently in Australia a couple of parents were such hardcore supporters of the Australian cricket team that they gave their son as middle names the surnames of the Australian cricket team in batting order for that season. I also recall a kid in the UK being given the full roster (first and last names) of the Manchester United soccer team as his middle names. By my count, that’s 36 middle names (including reserves)!!!!!!
June 30th, 2007 at 1:14 am
‘4 Real’ eh? The name itself is bad enough…but the fact he has a number as part of his name’s just as bad!
I came across a few whacky names when I was working in a mailing house. The worst I remember were ‘Shieney Neww’ (shiney new) and ‘Hugh Jarse.’ Im sure you can figure out that last one for yourself…
July 12th, 2007 at 8:52 am
[...] Are You 4 Real? [...]