Step-family Talk

It has been nice and peaceful within the house. Not once in the last two weeks has anyone told me that I’m stupid or that they hate me. My wife noticed the same thing. No one has gone out of there way to tell her she’s stupid, that she’s worst parent in the world or that they hate her. We have hardly been asked for money by anyone in the last couple of weeks either. Although, the city did post a nice parking ticket on my vehicle this morning.

Other than the parking ticket, things have been going along just peachy. My wife and I have been trying to figure out just what has brought about this nice change of pace. We figured it out a couple of days ago. Our daughter has been at her father’s house these last two weeks.

It has been nice, but without her there has been no drama and little to write about. Those of you that miss the drama never fear. MY DAUGHTER COMES HOME TODAY…

(Click on the video below as you read the line in all caps for the proper reaction. Thanks to Pete for finding the video.)

I have decided that a lobby must be made to get a Surgeon General’s warning for parenting. I’m not sure exactly where it ought to be posted. Maybe they can just do general service announcements on commercials or something. But, every potential parent ought to know the potential side effects that come from parenting.

I decided this last night about 4/5 of the way through A Bridge to Tarabithia. If you haven’t seen the movie or read the book I ought to warn you that what I’m about to discuss is a bit of a spoiler. I’ll try to stay as vague as possible. Let’s just say, that I was enjoying the movie, happy to revel in childhood friendships and the wonderful world of the imagination when *Sniffle* it hits. I was crying over a stupid movie. In my pre-parent days, I could laugh my way through such tear jerker movies as Old Yeller, Brian’s Song, Where The Red Fern Grows, Glory, and Rudy. (I never did laugh my way through them, but I COULD have.) What happened? Parenthood happened. Now, every child that get’s hurt or worse is in some way your child and you feel for them. Surgeon General, first on your list: “Parenthood may cause you to be overly emotional during movies.”

Next warning was painfully brought to my attention by my 13 month old son last night. I had just sat down on the recliner and my son came to greet me in his fashion. In his enthusiasm he launched him self into a hug, that brought his arms flailing directly into my groin. I am not sure if this natural instinct of all children, perhaps it’s intended to reduce sibling rivalry by preventing any competition, I’m not sure. But, this is not the first time it has happened. When I pick him up, he has an amazing knack for getting a kick in on the berries. I also know that it won’t end, my best friend had twins that demonstrated this skill improves with age up to about their sixth year of life. Surgeon General, second on your list: “Parenthood may cause painful urination.”

Third, my stepdaughter and son are both experts at keeping me awake without missing sleep of their own. My son, wakes a couple times at night. Mom is a saint when it comes to taking care of him at night, but he is also an early riser seven days a week. My step daughter on the other hand is a very late riser, but only because she goes to bed very late. Her specialty is in lights and random noises. I am certain she has a book of 1001 excuses for turning on the lights if our bedroom door is open or knocking on our door if it is closed. Surgeon General, your third warning: “Parenthood may cause fitful sleep.”

I could certainly add a few more, “Empty wallet, frequent zoo trips, awkward questions, brutal honesty, frequent lavatory stops, cluttered house, increased anxiety, long recitals, and a stark revelation about just how much you don’t know.”

Thank you to everyone that responded to the survey. If you haven’t responded yet, feel free to give your response, see The Great Gopher Commands Your Opinion. And sorry, I missed a post yesterday. I was called out of town for what will hopefully be a drastic change of events in my life.

I was thinking about this post on my long drive home and realized that I would have also like to ask people about their favorite memories of their fathers. I think that this would have driven home the point that I want to make. That point is this. Father’s are much more than a provider of a paycheck or child support. Not one person on the survey even mentioned this.

The main lines of thought were this.

#1 A good father is there for the family.

#2 A good father provides consistent discipline and guidance.

#3 A good father demonstrates and teaches the positive traits and morals consistent with his faith,

#4 A good father models continuous learning and makes it fun and friendly for the children

#5 A good father loves his children no matter what, but does not use loving a child as an excuse to allow poor behavior.

I know, I know…. I said I was going to define a good father today. And it IS the subject of this post, but I don’t want to define a good father yet. I want this to be the most interactive post I have yet written. You see, I have a theory and I want to test my theory. Unfortunately, if I say anything about it, it will skew the survey I want to take. So, I shall not mention my theory until tomorrow. What I ask of you today, is to take a minute and write down the first five things that come to your mind when you think of defining a good dad. And then, I want you to post them in the comments. Don’t worry, if your definitions are the same as others. I want an honest gut reaction to this question. So, if you would be so kind, write your answers out on a piece of paper before you go to the comments section.

I am going to be bold and directly request the opinion of some other bloggers out there. The following list is sites that I read all the time and opinions that I value. There is no special order:

Sympathy Pain
The Anvil Tree
Freaked Out Fathers
The Molks
Be a Good Dad
Be a Good Mom
Down With The Kids
Parenting Under The Stars
Death By Children

If you are reading this and not listed here, I encourage you to respond to this article, the larger the survey, the better. Tomorrow, I will have a regular posting. Wednesday I will summarize the results of the comments and give my theory.

Again, the question is, “What five things first come to your mind when you think of defining a good dad?”

Imagine for a second that you are an employer and a resume comes across your desk. From a distance it looks elegant, neatly spaced, someone obviously took a lot of time and put a great effort into crafting the thing. You wonder, “Hmm… who is the person?” Easy enough to answer just look at the top of the resume there’s the name, 4 Real Wheaton. 4 Real? Does that say, “4 Real?” It certainly does. Here’s the question. How much farther are you going to read into this resume?

I know I said I was going to define a father today. But, I just came across this story about parents in New Zealand that are trying to name their kid, 4 Real, and I had to say something. As a teacher and a stepfather I am accustomed to taking the welfare of other people’ children into my life, and it really bothers me that people think naming their child something crazy is cute. People take names seriously. In the above scenario, the employer is most likely going to think this person is a joke and will not read further into the resume than the name. Poor , 4 Real.

I understand the desire to give your child a unique name. A unique name helps a child stand out. But, before you place that name on a certificate run a couple of scenarios through your imagination.

The first scenario is the one I mentioned at the start of this article. Be honest and think about how a potential employer is going to view your child’s name. Whether you agree with it or not, there is a bias against children with unique names. Here are some real names of children that are going to have a hard time finding employment: Apple, Audio Science, Trustin Jesus, Tequila Sunrise, ESPN, Cannabis, Dantz Hall, Touch Down, Vader, Waco Joe, Diamond Cherie and Velvet Couch. Velvet Couch? There’s a story behind that name and I don’t want to know what it is.

The second scenario takes place on the playground. Imagine the first day of school, your kid is about to meet the school bully. The bully hasn’t yet decided how to treat your child. Let’s imagine a little dialogue shall we?

“Hey,” says the bully, “Are you playing with a doll?”
“No.” says your child. “It’s an action figure. This is Captain Evil. He says 500 different ultra evil phrases. He has kung-fu action. He comes with a secret space station and has an evil shark-pit with real working lasers mounted to their heads.”
Woah, cool!” says the bully.
“You want to play?”
“Yeah.” says the bully. :”I want play with the sharks.”
“Cool!” says your child.
“Cool!” says the bully.
Your child seems to be making a good impression. The play gets pretty intense, the bully makes a bunch of laser sounding noises. Your child makes Captain Evil karate chop the sharks. All 500 ultra evil phrases are squeezed out of Captain Evil. Things are really going great. Then comes another kid to see what all the action is. The new kid and the bully are friends from the block.
“Hi,” says the new kid, “Can I play?”
“Sure” says your kid.
“Cool!” says the new kid.
“Cool!” says your kid.
“Cool!” says the bully.
Fun is had by all kids. The new kid and the bully are thinking, its time to bring your child into the fold.
“I’m, Joe.” says the new kid.
“I’m Johnny,” says the bully. “You want to be friends?”
“Yeah!” says your kid. “I’m 4 Real.”
“So am I.” says Johnny.
“No your not,” says your kid. “I’m 4 Real.”
“So am I” says Johnny. “What’s your name?”
“4 Real.”
“No.” says Johnny “Your fake name.” (Johnny just learned sarcasm the semester before.)
“That is my name. I’m 4 Real.”
“Your stupid.” says Joe.
“No,” says your kid with a hint of desperation. “That’s my name, 4 Real.”
“Your name’s stupid?” says Johnny.
“No its not stupid, it’s 4 Real.”
“Ha, Ha, Your name is stupid for real.” Johnny recognizing his moment and secure because he has Joe for a witness climbs on top of the playground equipment and shouts to the whole school. “Hey everybody,” he points to your kid, “his name is stupid.”
The playground laughs and poor, 4 Real.
“No!” Cries 4 Real. “I’m not stupid. I’m 4 Real.”
“Ha, Ha!” shouts the crowd in amazing unity. “He’s stupid, for real.”
Being a bully, Johnny then takes all of 4 Real’s toys and throws him on the ground. 4 Real is yet another playground tragedy all because of his name.

I believe that New Zealand has it right, that they have laws in place that restrict what children can be named. Is it restricting the rights of the citizens. Perhaps, but I don’t think giving a child a name that is going to cause it future difficuties should be a right. I would go so far as to say, that it could fall under maltreatment, which is in the jurisdiction of the governement to protect the children.

What do you think, 4 Real?

The last couple of days, I’ve been on a rant about what I feel society has lost with the breakdown of traditional values and conceptions of what it means to be a man. Today I want to focus on why it’s important for children to be a father and tomorrow I will look at defining a father.

I have found several good articles on the impact of a father in the household. Check out this article on the Importance of Fathers I’d like to point out a couple areas of this paper.

The first shows the accelerating trend of children living in mother-only homes. In 1950 about one out of every 20 children lived in a mother-only home. By 1998 nearly 1 out of every 4 children lived in a mother-only home. Prior to 1950 the main reason for a mother-only home was attributed to death. Now the main cause is unwed motherhood or divorce.

The second shows just how much of an impact having both parents in the household has on a child:

Adolescents who live some time of their childhood in a single-parent household, which most often are mother-only families, are twice as likely to drop out of school, twice as likely to have a child before age 20 and one and a half times as likely to be idle–out of school and out of work–in their late teens and early young adult years. (These risk factors can be moderated when single-parent families have increased income, close ties with family, friends, and community, and when children have a positive relationship with the non-resident parent as well as the resident parent.)

The second article I want to point out is from the Child Welfare Gateway and is called the Importance of a Father in the Healthy Development of Children I’d like to highlight a couple areas of importance. Children with highly involved children are more likely to develop effective social skills, are 43% more likely to achieve mainly A’s in school, are better able to cope with stress in a school setting, the rough play usually associated with fathers actually helps children manage aggressive behavior.

Later in the article, there is reference to the protection a father offers their children. Fathers act as a barrier against maltreatment. Sixty-four percent of all maltreatment cases are perpetrated by the mother. The major factor in these cases is that the mother is raising the children are their own. When a father steps into the picture and shares in the responsibilities of raising children the mother’s stress level decreases. The probability of a child being maltreated in a two-parent home is nearly half that of a child living in a single parent home.

Fathers, if you think your job isn’t important look again. Just by being part of the family you increase your children’s chances of getting a good education, learning socially responsible behavior, having a quality relationship of their own, and grow up safely without the threat of maltreatment. If improving the odds of a good life for your child isn’t enough, let me also add this. Active fathers have better overall health and reduce mom’s level of stress, which in turn helps make for a better marriage.

Bryan from Sympathy Pain tagged me to tell ya a little somethin’, somethin’ about me. He asked for it.

1. The last job I held in my home town was at a cemetary where I was responsible for burying the bodies of the recently departed.

2. My freshman year I broke my hand and waited three days before I conceded to going to a doctor to check it out. The doctor was unable to keep my hand set, because I kept playing volley ball with it. he had to rebrake it twice and reset it throughout the entire second semester. We were never able to get the bone to set properly.

3. I was once engaged to a stripper.

4. Somewhere in Bangcock there is a music video that has me in it. The video was shot in filmed at a nightclub in Las Vegas. I’m dancing next to the girls dressed in plastic wrap.

5. I once had a contract on my head.

6. I have been banned for a lifetime from a golf course in Salt Lake City. I guess they never heard the rule that you have to drop your pants and take your shot again if you don’t drive your ball past the first tee.

7. I accidently broke into and out of a correctional facility.

Ellen from Parenting Under The Stars
Sarah from The Anviltree
Leisa from Down With The Kids
Beagooddad from Be A Good Dad
Beagoodmom from Be A Good Mom

You are all it!

I want to continue along the lines of yesterday’s subject. The purpose of the topics this week is to show the importance of a stable father figure in a child’s life. This figure can be in the form of a mentor, a stepfather, or a biological father. Later this week, I will show significant numbers and studies that address the importance of the impact a father has on the life of a child. Today I want to return to the idea Lewis proposed in the Abolition of Man that society must teach its children right from wrong. Teaching right from wrong also means teaching children how to discern popular opinion from the right belief.

I had a couple of days off earlier this year and was blown away by what passes as daytime entertainment. The majority of shows were either courtroom television or sensational talk shows. Apparently watching someone get sued or watching a woman parade five men across the stage as the possible father of their child is what we value today. Shows like The Simple Life teach us that its okay to have no work ethic, no knowledge, and no responsibility. Either I missed the boat and the wisdom of thousands of years has really been teaching us that it is better to get money from by taking it from others rather than earning it, that committed relationships are a waste of time and the virtuous are those that let others pick up there slack, or we’ve had a serious breakdown in standing up for what is right.

Sick of the day time television I turned on the radio. I quickly learned that the more bling in your grill the more likely you are to find yourself some bitches or hoes. Apparently if you’re a guy this is the ultimate goal in life and if there aren’t any women any more, their either bitches or hoes. I wonder how a musical ‘artist’ would react if you asked him to which category his mother belongs.

Tired of all the media palaver I decided to take my son to the zoo. So, I loaded up the wagon, the baby bags, and my son into the van (Which pimps everywhere would recognize as disappointingly absent of any spinners, chrome or low profile 22’s—if you don’t know what I’m talking about turn on MTV for about 30 seconds.) and we headed off. I turned on some talk radio along the way. I thought here I will find something stimulating–turns out that the general consensus among the various discussions is that we are still so rooted in traditional values decreed by crusty old white men that society can’t advance. We aren’t recognizing equality of the races or the genders. Have they turned on a radio or television or looked at a magazine lately? I’m not quite a crusty old man yet, but I am getting there and I can certainly say that nothing I’ve come across lately has anything to do with those nasty old traditional values.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against any person getting equal pay for equal quality of work. I have nothing against equal voting rights. I have nothing against equal representation under the law. I have issues with anything that gives a societal advantage to a person because they happen to be a particular color or gender. What I am saying is that I have to disagree with their conclusion that society is failing because we want to persist with traditional values. A big issue I have with the break down of values is a homogenizing of the genders. It is one thing to give equality to status, but it is another to try and neuter everyone. Men ought to be men and women ought to be women. I learned this at the zoo. Everywhere I looked there were differences between the males and females of the species. Each had an important role to play for their species. The male animals in the zoo weren’t trying to be females and the females weren’t trying to be males. I could look at the peacocks with their extravagant feathers and tell my son that that was a male. I could look at the peahen and tell my son it was female. And when each plays the part particular to its gender the species continues.

In our society men and women ought to recognize the different roles they play in raising our children. There is no “more important” role. In this we are equal. But, there is definitely a male role and a female role. And I’m not talking about petty little things, like who should do the cooking, the cleaning, the housework and such. I do the cooking at our house and I would love nothing more than to be the stay –at-home parent. I am talking about the real gender differences.

Men are typically more aggressive and have a different style of play with children. When our children are infants we carry them differently, which gives the infant a different perspective on the world-this may seem trivial, but it’s not. We have deeper voices that have a profound effect when it comes to reading to our children. (More on this later) Men reason differently from women, entirely different areas of the brain are used when men and women are given a particular problem to solve. Fathers teach their daughters what to expect from relationships with men in a way that mothers cannot. Men connect with their son’s in ways women cannot. The same is true in the other way. Women teach our son’s things, husband’s can’t. Women have connections with their daughters that men can’t have. Men and women ought to have different responsibilities within a household.

When we neuter our society we only make it more convenient for men to shuffle off their responsibilities. If anyone can do it, then let someone else do it will be the mentality. It is the mentality. Many men are feeling their obligation is complete once they’ve achieved conception. And we are getting more and more baby’s momma’s and less emphasis is being placed on husband and wife. And why should there be an emphasis if we are no longer going to be men and women, but neuter and neuter?

I’ve been trying to figure out how to define a man all morning. When I first woke I was sure that this was going to be easy. I was ready to start of the paper by recapturing my midnight adventures. I woke to the sound of the dog barking and then my wife pushed me out of bed saying “I heard someone down there.” I heard nothing, but my wife was positive there were prowlers about. As a “man” it would be my duty to go downstairs and protect my family. The dog wasn’t interested in anything going on in the house; the neighbors were unpacking their car after a late night trip. Having discovered the cause of the dog’s barking and having reaffirmed my wife that no predators were lurking about downstairs I went to back to bed, my manly duties fulfilled. Or have they?

I did some quick research this morning and found two good articles on manhood. The first The 10 Qualities of Man suggests that I fulfilled one of the ten roles of a man. The other What Does it Mean to Be a Man I might have fulfilled part of the role of husband but there are eight other aspects of being a man that still need to be addressed. I provided links to the articles so I’m not going to go into length about them. I will say that I agree with the aspects or virtues proposed by both articles.

The articles have a Christian slant and at first I was inclined to make a defense for them, but then I remembered The Abolition of Man by C.S. Lewis. He made the argument for me, the virtues extolled in these articles are not exclusive to Christianity. Lewis does a wonderful job at pointing out that they are the central themes in almost any wisdom literature throughout the ages. He calls these values that man have followed throughout the ages as the Tao. It is a way of living that is consistent with Natural Law. Lewis suggests that defying these natural laws leads to a corruption of society. He warned us that society is now trying to do that very thing by taking some observations of the law to disprove other parts of it. Much like cutting of a man’s finger and using it to point at the man and say he doesn’t exist.

We are losing site of the values and virtues that make us men (See the articles) and prevent us from becoming mere animals. It is the qualities that are the trunk that separate the rational mind of man from the animal mind–what Lewis calls, “men without chests. We have used Law to destroy Natural Law. We are forbidden to teach virtues in our school and show our students right from wrong because such teachings lay to close to religion.

If we are to teach the virtues of Man to our children it must be done in our homes. This, I believe, is job number one of a father (though not limited to him—mom’s must teach it too). My biggest concern is for the growing population of society that includes my students, where men are not there to teach these virtues either because society says it is cooler to be a baby’s daddy or because economics say no government aid if Dad is in the house. (Either eliminate government aid all together or stop forcing split-ups of the house hold because a woman can’t receive aid due to having a father in the house.) Many of my students have gone generations now without a father figure present and are growing up with no opportunity to learn it because we can’t teach it in school.

Not every male need be a father, but as a society every male ought to be a man. I met a young man the other day, Ikaika Alama-Franics. He just got drafted for the Detroit Lions, and is using his new status to demonstrate the vary virtues talked about in the articles. He is taking time away from his hectic training schedule (and it is hectic!) to teach students like mine about perseverance, commitment, and dedication to a positive way of life. This is what a man in today’s society ought to be doing. Take responsibility for a youth. We must not forget the “it takes a village” mentality from long ago. We need to stop fearing our children and we need to stop being afraid to let them know that there is a right and a wrong.

As Lewis says, in The Abolition of Man:

If they embark on this course the difference between the old and the new education will be an important one. Where the old initiated, the new merely ‘conditions’. The old dealt with its pupils as grown birds deal with young birds when they teach them to fly; the new deals with them more as the poultry-keeper deals with young birds - making them thus and thus for purposes of which the birds know nothing. In a word, the old was a kind of propagation - men transmitting manhood to men; the new is merely propaganda.

Yesterday was Father’s Day and it has had me thinking about what it means to be a father and what it means to be a man. Since I started writing for this blog I’ve been slowly learning about a community of men out there that are speaking up and speaking out about fatherhood and it’s encouraging to see. I notice that the men writing these blogs throughout the community have all sorts of different backgrounds, but they all seem to have one thing in common, they all enjoy being a father. You can tell they do, it comes out in the way they describe their children, their wives, and their lives. I’m not sure the reason that each of them feels the need to write about their experiences, but I am glad they are doing it. My reason for writing this is that I get even more joy from being a father by talking about it. I learn more as I reflect, question, discuss and share the experience and the more I learn about being a dad the more I like it. I imagine the same is true for the other dads that are out there writing.

There is another reason I like seeing blogs about fathering written by fathers. It gives testament and validity to the importance of being a father. It also gives the world a glimpse at an important aspect of what it means to be a man. Being a father and being a man are two important concepts for me not just because the implications of both are important to my children, but because I see the devastating affect that the absence of these two aspects can have on society. I have the privilege of working with an extremely challenged section of society. I teach children that have dropped out of school and are now trying to recover credits and get a diploma before it’s too late for them. Many of my students are on probation, some have been to prison, some have children of their own, some have drug habits, and all of them were unable to cope with a traditional school setting. One final trait that these students share is that most of them did not have a father or father figure in their lives.

Most of my students, will tell you their grown. But, if you ask them what that means they will respond with something about having achieved a certain age or having spawned a child. For the girls in my class, it means that they are raising their children on their own—yet few of them know how and even less know how to model responsible behavior to the children. For the boys in my class its even worse, they feel they deserve some sort of recognition for having several baby’s mommas. For them, the responsibility ends at the moment of conception. There are a few that have some involvement in their children’s life after the child is born, but again they don’t know what their doing or how to model responsible behavior. I know a lady that has worked with this population of students and had a great response to “I’m grown!” Whenever some student says that she responds with a smile as says, “Oh really? Let me see it then.” At this point the student gets a bit nervous; she lets them sweat for a second then asks them to show her their insurance card. She tells them a real man carries an insurance card.

I love her concept of a man. It’s all summed up in one simple card. Her concept of a real man has nothing to do with how many tough they are, how big of a player they are, how much money they make. It’s all comes down to a card that says I’m responsible for myself and my family. This week I’m going to explore what it means to be a man and a father and why it is important that men everywhere step up to those titles.

Yesterday I picked up my 13 month old son from day care and the instructors had helped the children in the nursery put together a present for Father’s Day. I learned something yesterday. I am an English Major and have read plenty of poems in my day. I’ve come to appreciate poetry, but never have I been moved to tears by a poem. Guess what, this dad got a surprise. My eyes welled up in response to a cute little poem that was part of the present. It’s wasn’t a Shakespearian Sonnet or The Love Song of J. Alfred Proofrock, but it got me.

I learned that being a dad means that you surrender a degree of control over your emotions. Okay, maybe it doesn’t mean that. One of the predominant images that I’ve seen of a dad is the stoic. He’s the guy that has a hard time giving a guy a hug, saying “I Love You”, or “I’m Proud of You”. He’s the guy that never cries. (At least he never let’s anyone see him cry.)

But, I’m beginning to suspect that the stoic dad is really a stage act. It’s embarassing having one of them there sentimental emotions sneak up on you. I’m guessing that the stoics are probably an angry lot, because anger is a rather unfriendly emotion and tends to scare the others away. Setiment won’t sneak up on anyone when anger is tromping around and scarry all the other poor emotions away. The problem with stoicicism is that if you act that way long enough it becomes a way of life that is hard to shake and you can’t really show the right emotion to your children when they need them.

I hope to be the type of dad that never fears telling my son I love him. And I’m willing to let the occasional random sentiment strike me, if that is what it takes to remain emotionally available to my children. With that in mind, I want to share the poem with every father out there. Mom’s if your reading this and you have a little one and still need to get a gift for dad. Here’s an idea.

My present was a picture on construction paper that reads “Happy Father’s Day!” In the middle is a tie with the poem and on the sides are my son’s footprints. The poem reads:

Footprints

Walk a little slower daddy,
Said a small child
I’m following in your
Footsteps and I don’t
Want to fall

Sometimes your steps
Are very fast
Somethimes they’re hard to see
So walk a little slower daddy,
For you are leading me.

Someday when I’m all grown up
Your what I want to be
Then I will have a child
Who’ll want to follow me

And I would want to lead
Just right
And know that I was true
So walk a little slower daddy
For I must follow you.

Biography lends to death a new terror. –Oscar Wilde

Yes, I’m leading off with another Oscar Wilde quote. There is truth is those words above. This blog is turning more towards an autobiographical journey through my experiences as a stepfather rather than just a place for advice. It’s becoming more of a, “here’s what happened to me when I applied what I’ve learned from the experts.” It is a very liberating format in many ways and a terrifying format in others.

On the one hand I get to share my life with the world and people get to laugh with me on the good days and offer me words of encouragement on the rough days. I’ve got a place to vent when I need it and I’m forced into the habit of reflecting on my day, which is good meditation and one habit I would recommend to everyone.

On the other hand when I share my life and my opinions there is always the fear that people will judge me harshly based upon decisions I make or how I feel about certain things or if I my actions prove me to be hypocritical.

Today’s post is a tough one to write. I haven’t really had an opportunity to interact much with my stepdaughter since her last episode at the dinner table. I have been going through a big internal struggle with how I want to proceed with our relationship. I want to trust to the common consensus that the stepparent doesn’t do the parenting and should act only as a mentor and friend to the stepchildren. But, I get so angry watching my wife get abused by the vicious words my stepdaughter launches on her. I get angry when I work all day to provide a house and home for this girl and even though she is completely dependent on us she has the audacity to command us to do things in our house and claims we can’t tell her what to do. I want to take control. And I could. I could bring calm to the house, but it would come at a terrible price. It would mean making her life miserable, for I doubt she would see a day she wasn’t grounded for many a month.

I want to believe that if I trust to the wisdom of those who have parented before me that things will improve. I like to imagine that one day she will come to understand and appreciate that everything I’ve done is for her best interest. But, right now, I’m questioning why I should be acting in her best interest. Is it making my life any better? Trying to win her affection requires that I spend time and money doing things with her, time that I could spend doing things that I enjoy and money that I could be spending on things I want or bills that need paying. I try to tell myself I do it because I love her. But, I don’t know if that is true. I’ve been avoiding her lately, because the mere presence of her makes me angry, because I know that one out of every two sentences that come from her mouth are either going to be a demand for money, time or an act of defiance.

I will continue to try, because I love her mother dearly. I’ve heard that emotion follows action. So, I will act lovingly and hope the emotions follow.

Summer-Minor from Mom is Teaching tagged me to say 5 reasons why I love blogging. The rules are simple, give five reasons why you love blogging and tag five other bloggers. No tag backs either but be sure to let them know who tagged you.

1.I like taking time out of my day to reflect on life and use it as a check for where I’m going and where I’ve been.

2.Everyone should become an expert at something. Writing a blog on a single subject forces you to spend lots of time learning about that subject. At some point on the way I’m bound to become an expert—though I’m not there yet.

3.I”ve only been doing this for a short period of time, but I’m starting to meet people and see that they too are going through similar experiences. I’m especially glad to see that there are those out there that feel the way I do about reality TV.

4.On those challenging days with the stepdaughter its nice to know that I’ve got a place to vent.

5.Knowing that I’m going to write about what has been going on in my life has changed the way I’ve handled certain situations. It’s like my conscience has been doing some weight training and is now stronger than ever.

I’m tagging:Bryan from Sympathy Pain, Pete from Great Circle, Sarah from The Anvil Tree, Gayle from Parenting Teens, and Ellen from Parenting Under the Stars

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. –Oscar Wilde

I couldn’t agree more with Oscar Wilde than I do right now. I close my eyes and try to reign in my anger. My hands are trembling, my stomach feels nauseous, and my heart rate is somewhere near 900 beats per minute. How much longer can I sit here and listen without action? I remind myself what the major consensus is on the subject of step-parenting– “Let the bioparent do the disciplining.”

So, with great gusto I cut up the chicken breast on my plate. Soon it is a shredded mass of a chicken flakes the once succulent piece of meat is no more, but my anger still remains. My stepdaughter goes on and on at the table. Insolence, would be an understatement. Were my stepdaughter anyone other than a child under my care I would have laid her flat for talking to my wife in such a manner.

I’m having a hard time following any advice that says I need to sit back while my wife takes this emotional and verbal assault. What is worse, I’m getting angry with my wife as well. How many times have I told her she has to stay consistent with the rules, when her daughter talks to her like that the consequence needs to be immediate and it needs to happen every time. Yet, she walks into the argument, gives a warning, argues some more, gives another warning, and argues some more, gives another warning and another and another.

I massage my temples then look to my son. He sits in his high chair and thank God he is wrapped up in his own endeavors to understand the concept of plastic cutlery, currently he is picking up food with his fingers and dropping it onto his baby spoon. I fear the influence his sister will have on him when he is older. It’s day’s like these that I wish her biofather would get his act together and take her off our hands for a while.

“No!” My stepdaughter’s whiney scream cuts across the table. I can’t take it anymore. “Stop giving her warnings, ground her.” I say. It’s weak. I want to roar with authority, but I beg with desperation. I don’t want to cross the line. I want to listen to the sage advice that says the stepparent needs to refrain from disciplining. As soon as I say it, I realize how pathetic it sounds. Whether I beg or roar I’ve still suggested discipline in front of my stepdaughter. Instantly she hates me, and worst of all, I didn’t even earn the hate by being strong and commanding I got it through begging my wife to act.

Sorry all, my son is sick and we couldn’t take him to daycare, so I had to stay home with him today. Having a hard time getting any free time at the moment. I will try to get a post up this afternoon if he goes down for a nap of any length. If not, I’ll be back tomorrow.